A Very Hogwarts Talent Show
by Mrs. Norris1
Summary: Read the title...I believe my sense of humor has gotten a tad bit more sophisticated...you'll like this!


This is going to be excitingThere is a Talent Show at Hogwarts! Woo-hoo! Now, this is part story, part _actual_ competition! You see, you'll get to "see" the acts in the story, then I want you to vote for the winner and I'll put Part2 up after you decide. The most votes will win 1st, the second most will win 2nd, etc. And, by the way, wish me luck because I just had an audition for _The Sound of Music_ today. I hope I make it! Now on with the fic!

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A Very Hogwarts Talent Show

Harry frowned at the sign posted on the wall in front of him. Despite all the excited chatting and smiles around him, he couldn't be happy at all. The sign read: 

First Annual Hogwarts Talent Show to take place next Saturday, 7:00. All entries welcome, prizes awarded. We especially encourage Quidditch Team members to participate as a form of team spirit.

First Prize: 100 Galleons

Second Prize: 75 Galleons

Third Prize: 50Galleons

Please sign up in the Great Hall. Also, please keep all acts a secret. Good Luck.

Harry would have hit his head against the wall if all those people hadn't been standing there. Why did Quidditch team members have to participate? He guessed it was some stupid plan set up by Malfoy and his father to humiliate him, but there was nothing he could do about it. He would have to be in the show.

Ron had been reading the same note at the same time as Harry, but he felt very differently. A whole 100 Galleons! He could buy himself some decent clothes and stuff like that, plus his parents would be proud of him for once. Ron made up his mind with a determined look in his eye that he would compete in this talent show.

Hermione had yet another completely different outlook on the show. The moment she saw the announcement, she had felt her heart lift, then drop right back down again like an atomic bomb. A knot of nerves had already settled itself in the middle of her stomach. This was finally her chance to show everyone that she wasn't just a bossy, arrogant, know-it-all, that she was talented in other ways. But would she ever have the courage? 

Lunch that day was complete chaos. Half the people were either scrambling over each other to get to the sign up sheet and the other half were sitting and not eating, deciding whether or not to compete. Ron was one of the scramblers; Harry and Hermione sat in silence at the Gryffindor table in an inner debate. Harry only glanced up when he saw Hermione take one last decisive look at the sign up sheet, then get up and walk towards the mob. Harry felt about ready to puke. He had made up his mind on his act, but he couldn't quite bring himself to write his name down. But when he saw Hagrid and then even Filch saunter up to the sheet and write down their names, he brought himself to do it.

::SWOOSH::

Big Time Change: it is now Saturday, the night of the big show!!!

Fred and George Weasley were being welcomed onto the stage to a tumultuous applause from a huge audience. They were the Masters of Ceremonies that night, and they had been quite busy the past few days, preparing stupid jokes to crack when they needed to stall and making sure they had plenty of free Ton-Tongue Toffees and Canary Cremes to hand out.

"Well," began Fred, "I just flew in from London and boy are my arms tired!"

The crowd chuckled weakly as George continued, "Yes, Fred, you are certainly full of some great jokes, really original ones. Oh, by the way, have you heard the one about the chicken and the road? Oh, never mind I'll tell you that one later. Well then, we've got a great show planned for you all tonight, everybody, full of great acts and great people. I think it's just going to be great."

Fred leaned of and said softly, "George, we don't know what any of the acts are yet. It was a secret."

George pretended to look confused, then just said plainly, "Then on with the show! First up is Hermione Granger!"

The crowd clapped a kind greeting as Hermione stepped out onto the makeshift stage that had been set up in the Great Hall. 

She looked beautiful and no one in the audience could deny it. Lovely midnight blue robes accented her eyes as she stepped gingerly to the end of the stage where she whispered, "Accio Microphone," and she caught the mike casually in one hand as it flew to her. With a wave of her hand, music started drifting softly from somewhere, and the Harry, who was sitting backstage, recognized it as _The Music of the Night_ from The Phantom of the Opera.

Hermione's sweet voice fluttered over the stupefied audience, hitting each high note perfectly and leaving them with the lasting memory of the song's mysterious ending. When the last note was played, the crowd erupted into deafening cheers of praise as Hermione bowed and walked serenely off the stage.

Fred walked back onstage, wiping a fake tear from his eye, though many people were wiping real ones. 

"Beautiful, Herm, just beautiful," he said to Hermione, who had settled herself in a chair in the front row to watch the rest of the show.

"Now then. Next is Draco Malfoy," Fred continued, making a disgusted face, "along with Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle." 

As Fred left the stage, all the lights suddenly went out. There was a surprised gasp from the crowd, but, just as suddenly, a single ray of light shone down onto the stage like a beam from an alien ship. Draco floated down from the ceiling in the beam of light, his gorgeous silver head lolling to one side and his lean arms and legs flopped down as if he were dead. He landed softly on the stage, still looking unpleasantly death-like, and then two more lights appeared on the stage as Crabbe and Goyle were beamed down, Goyle giggling stupidly like an idiotic little schoolgirl and ruining the moment. As soon as the two goons hit the stage with an unpleasant clunk, there was a blast of light, several screams from the audience, and a crack as at least a hundred white fireworks went off onstage. When the smoke cleared, Draco, looking incredibly hot wearing flowing black robes and a glittering diamond stud in his ear (I'm sorry, I just _had_ to include that), was sporting an electric guitar. Crabbe stood beside him holding a gleaming bass, looking just a little bit cooler but still very stupid. Goyle sat behind them at a drum set, looking just as stupid as Crabbe. Draco, however, had a strange aura of mystery. A single spotlight shone on each of them, shadowing Draco's face and giving his skin the same silvery look as his hair. His eyes had a devilish look to them, hard and crystal-like as diamonds. He just stood there for a moment, not breathing (as many of the girls in the audience were). Then, he started to play. The rest of the band joined in and Draco's voice, which was no longer cold and drawling but metallic and silvery, crept up people's spines with a strangely gothic song that they later announced was called "To Kiss a Dragon". The song ended with a demonic guitar solo by Draco that left a cold, unfinished feeling with the audience when the lights suddenly went black again.

"Well, well, well," said George as he walked back up on stage. "I don't think any of us were expecting that! That was Draco Malfoy and his band, Gryffindor Sucks'. Hey!" George glared at a very smug looking Draco and then went back to the audience. "Anyway, next up is Neville Longbottom."

Neville walked timidly onstage as a background of stars appeared behind him, looking as realistic as the ceiling. He just looked around at all the people for a minute then started to softly sing. He was about halfway through the song when people finally realized it was "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." He finished, looking satisfied for some odd reason as one or two people in the audience lazily clapped their hands.

Some of the other acts were even worse, so I'm not going to take the time to mention them. Just so you have a variety to choose from when you vote, I'll tell you a few of them. Let's see, Eloise Midgen demonstrated her zit-popping skills, Dennis and Colin Creevey told a knock-knock joke, some idiot first year named Sam Tolken did a magic act (and guess what? He wasn't even muggle born!), Lee Jordan sang "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," Filch showed how he had taught Mrs. Norris to jump through a hoop (she just sat there and did nothing, my kinda pet), and Hagrid juggled Snape, Professor McGonagal, and Professor Dumbledore (who thought it was a lot of fun). 

Angelina Johnson had just finished quite a beautiful rendition of "Wind Beneath My Wings" (a song I utterly, completely hate because it has been beat to death) when Fred and George got up to announce Ron.

"We don't know what he's doing," said George, "But we know he's gonna be good! He's a Weasley!"

"Yeah," added Fred, "We don't know what we're doing either, and look at us!" The crowd laughed and then clapped as a figure stepped onto the darkened stage. Suddenly, the spotlight came on. Ron was wearing a backwards Quidditch cap, a puffy light blue jacket, a red Hurley shirt, a pair of the baggiest, ripped, patched, and frayed jeans the audience had ever seen, a pair of Lugz boots, and a huge gold change with an even more huge pendant at the end of it. He held a cordless mike into which he said, "Yo, sup my G-dawgs! What's kickin' in da hood, ma home brothers? Sup ma Homies? Sup?" 

The people looked at him like he was insane.

Then, a very loud beat started playing out of nowhere and a really weird thing happened: Ron started rapping!

Yo!

Ma name is Ronnie-onnie-o!

Lemme hear ya say yo!

Who loves Ronnie-onnie-o?

I'm kickin' in the hood

Who knew that I could

I'm spitting out the words

Like you knew dat I would

Who's trippin'?

That's wack.

I'll stab you in the back

If you don't clap

Then I will slap

Yo mama

My mama

Ta mama

That's French

You think that you can speak French?

Sittin' on a cold bench?

You walk the walk

But you don't talk the talk

If you think that you can beat me

Let's race

1, 2, 3

I can spin a rhyme 

Any time

Just pay me a dime and I'm

Ronnie-onnie-o

Who loves Ronnie-onnie-o?

You just can't let go

Cuz you know I'm gonna show

You

Ronnie-onnie-o

I'm Ronnie-onnie-o

You betta love the show 

Cuz

Hey! You gotta know that

Ronnie-onnie-o is 

Cooler than Coolio

Ronnie-onnie-o

Yeah, you know!

Ron finished his rap with a stupid little head nod. He shouted "YEAH!!!" and held out his pinkie and pointer finger as he ran off the stage, tripping on the stairs and landing in a pitiful crumpled heap on the floor.

Back on stage, Fred rolled his eyes and said, "Okaaaaay, that was my brother, um, I mean, someone I am not related to at all and do not know and have never seen in my life until now. Last but not, least, I now give youHarry Potter!"

Harry walked onstage, shaking madly in his leather boots. He had noticed that besides Angelina and Draco, he was the only Quidditch player performing in the talent show. He stood with his back to the audience, his fingers crossed. Then, the spotlight came on and the music started. 

"First I was afraid, I was petrified,

Kept thinkin' I could never live without you by my side

And then I spent so many night just thinkin' how you did me wrong

And I grew strong

And I learned how to get along!"

The voice sang out into the silent audience and as the next part of the verse came on (yes, you all know it, so you can sing along), Harry turned around and started dancing and lip synching. A giant disco ball spun out of the ceiling as Harry got his groove on in his white disco suit. Sweat crept down his face slowly but steadily as he continued his disco dance until the music faded out. Harry stood, surprised, on the stage as the crowd burst into applause. The show was over.


End file.
